Friday, January 15, 2010

Just Tell Me When

This whole thing in Haiti right now has been sitting heavy on my heart this week, especially for all the children there. Haiti had a lot of orphans before all of this happened just due to the extreme poverty. But the events of this week will certainly increase that exponentially.

Those of you that know me well know that I have a heart for adoption and plan to adopt someday. I've always felt like there's something wrong with me that I don't have this strong "maternal instinct" to have kids someday. Don't get me wrong, I plan on having my own child/children too, and I'm sure once I'm thrown into it I'll be all about it. But the whole idea of being pregnant and giving birth just isn't appealing to me. A friend described to me the anxious feeling of waiting and waiting for their baby and then finally getting to meet it. And I totally understand that, but for me I tend to think of that in a different way. Of going through the whole adoption process: all the paperwork and procedures, visiting the country, meeting my future child, and then finally one day being able to bring that child home.

I have actually researched and would consider adopting from Haiti. One of Cameron's co-workers just adopted from Haiti and literally brought home their child weeks ago. I can't imagine how relieved they are that their process was finalized before all of this happened. I've heard many stories this week of people that are in the middle of their adoption and how everything is so up in their air now. It's inevitable that everything will be drawn out even longer now with everything else the country is dealing with and lost paperwork, ect.

I've been thinking about when to start this whole process, and whether to have my own child first or to adopt first. If we adopt first, we could almost start that process now with how long it takes. I'm totally not ready for a child right now, but I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel "ready". I know if something did happen I'd eventually warm to the idea, but I feel like there so many things about myself that I still need to work on before I could ever be a good mom. How do you decide that you're ready to start a family? Is it just something that all of a sudden dawns on you, or is it just something you decide to do and then prepare for it?

In the meantime I'm still sorting through what I want to do with my life. I just started a new job; it's going well so far, but it's not something I'd want to do forever. I'm just a temp right now, and it'll be a while before I really see what the chances of being hired are and where I can go in the company.

I just wish this whole revealing of God's plan for your life didn't have to take so long. I'm really open to a lot - jobs, moving, adopting. Just tell me where and when.

1 comment:

  1. and now news of ANOTHER quake just last night! how crazy...

    i know how you feel - i want to go down there, scoop up 2 dozen children, bring them all home, bathe them, clothe them, feed them grilled cheese, and LET THEM JUST LIVE and BE CHILDREN!

    it's heartbreaking... i wish i could do more than just pray and donate - not to sound defeatist, but... i want to DO something. something more.

    and about babies - only God knows when you're "ready." birth control or not... whether you actually feel ready... or not.. :) in his timing, dear.